To Move Forward (You Must Face The Past)
by almister12
Summary: Emma keeps having nightmares about her pregnancy in jail, and the only way she will be able to get rid of these dreams is to confront someone from her past that she has long forgotten. Originally part of "Nine Months With Emma Swan and Killian Jones" but has become a stand-alone multi instead.
1. Part 1

__**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Once Upon A Time or any of the characters used in this story.**__

* * *

><p><em>Emma looked down at her tan jumpsuit. Her protruding stomach was forcing the itchy fabric to rub against her skin and, as she looked in the tiny, plastic mirror in her cell, she couldn't help the tear that was running down her face.<em>

_"Who's the baby daddy?" her new cellmate sneered. She was lying upon the top bunk of their bed, clearly fighting a grin at the misfortune of the young girl. They had just been assigned together after Emma got transferred to the new division, and she (along with the rest of the division) was unaware of Emma's situation. She was a few years older than Emma – probably around 25 – and had been in jail for about a year already._

_"It doesn't matter. He doesn't know," Emma said sadly, turning to the woman and looking up at her. "Do you know where I can get a bigger jumpsuit?"_

_"Oh, so _you_ don't actually know who the guy is," her cellmate replied, shifting on the bed to face the ceiling, her arms spread out behind her head as she looked above her, seemingly bored with the conversation. "You're so young. How many men could you have slept with already?"_

_"Of course I know who the father is! I'm not some worthless slut!" Emma snapped, walking over to her bottom bunk and plopping down. "God, I'm hungry, and this freaking kid is making me fat."_

_The other woman sighed. "That's what having sex does to you."_

_"We used protection, you know."_

_"Good for you."_

_"You don't believe me," Emma let out a frustrated breath._

_"Well, it's kind of hard to get knocked up if you did. What did you do, put the condom on wrong?"_

_"Shut up," Emma said, crossing her arms and lying back. "I'm not stupid. I know how everything works."_

_"Clearly," she laughed. "Why didn't you tell him?"_

_"Why do you care so much?" Emma asked, turning her head to the left as her cellmate popped her head over the bunk._

_"We're going to be cellmates for the next eight months, Emma. You're going to get bigger and bigger, and I'm going to be the one who you're going to lash out at when you have mood swings and who you cry to when you reminisce about the damn guy. Just tell me the basic information and then we can move on with our lives."_

_Emma blinked, swallowing the knot tightening in her throat. "His name is Killian, and he will never find out about this kid because I will _not_ have him betray it like he did me."_

Emma shot up in bed, her heart pounding and her body sweating. She looked around the room, only to discover that she was not 17, she was not in prison, and Killian was sleeping right next to her, his face scrunching a little at the sudden movement of the bed. She reached her hand down to touch the baby bump that was forming, using her other to wipe the water off her forehead then sweep it through her hair.

"Go to sleep, love," Killian mumbled into the pillow. "It's not time to be up yet."

Emma's breathing slowed down, lying back down. "Sorry, Killian," she whispered, her voice unsteady to do anything louder.

Killian opened up one eye to look at his wife. "What's wrong?" he asked, his voice louder this time.

"What makes you think something's wrong?" she deflected. Sometimes it was nice that he could always read her, but this was not one of those times.

Killian opened both his eyes now, shifting until he was sitting with his back against the headboard. "Just tell me, Swan. I'm tired and you have a long day at work tomorrow."

"It was a nightmare. I barely remember what it was about, anyway," Emma lied.

Killian focused on Emma's face, but lied down in defeat as he reached his stump over and pulled her closer to him. "You'll tell me when you're ready," he said, closing his eyes and kissing the back of her head. "Until then, let me protect you from all unwarranted dreams."

Emma was silent as she felt the warm breaths coming from Killian's nose even out until she knew he was sleeping. Only then did she close her eyes again.

* * *

><p><em>"Was it at least good?"<em>

_"What?" Emma asked, confused by her question. She was just complaining about how her back was hurting, so the sudden change of topic threw Emma off guard._

_"Well, clearly the outcome was a disaster. At least tell me the sex was good," her cellmate demanded. Emma's silence made her turn around to look at her. "You don't know if it was good, do you?"_

_"I think it was," Emma admitted. Even with her cellmate's sinister appearance, she had been quite kind to Emma through the process so far, almost motherly, and it had only been a month together. She had to have one person she could confide in, and Emma decided she was as good as she was going to get in this place. She shrugged. "I mean, I don't have anyone else to compare him to, but it seemed good at the time. He told me I was good, so I guess I believe him."_

_"After sending you to jail pregnant, you're going to believe him?" Her cellmate stifled a laugh before cocking her head. "How many times did you sleep with him, exactly?"_

_"Is this funny to you?"_

_"Don't be so dramatic. There's nothing else to talk about here," her cellmate said. "Did you get pregnant on your first time? Your _only_ time?"_

_Emma balled her hands into fists. "I'm not a prude," she muttered. "And I don't know which time I got pregnant."_

_"Well, if you had sex more than once, you can figure out which time it was. You seem like a smart girl – well, as smart as someone who got pregnant as a teen is. Just do the math."_

_Emma's mind started turning, her eyes furrowing as she tried to decide which time it was that she got pregnant. She eventually gave up. "It's a moot point," she finally settled on. "I'm pregnant, that's all that matters."_

_"God, he was a lucky guy. He must have loved how much you put out."_

_"It wasn't just sex with us!" Emma stood up, walking up and standing in her face. "I _love_ him." Her cellmate's eyebrows shot up. "What now?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"No, if you have something to say, say it."_

_"You still care about the guy."_

_Emma's mouth opened. "What? No I don't! How could I care about someone who did this to me." She gestured to the room, followed by her body. "If anything, he is the person I like least in the world."_

_"You just did one of those slip things psychologists talk about. You didn't say 'I _loved _him', you said 'I _love_ him'. You still want to be with him."_

_"Absolutely not."_

_"Really? So if he walked into this prison right now, kissed you, proposed, and said he wanted to raise the kid with you, you'd say go away? You'd tell him you didn't want him anymore?"_

_Emma swallowed, her eyes opening briefly before returning to their regular size. "Yes." She looked away, knowing she was caught in a lie. "I'd tell him to take a hike."_

_"Keep telling yourself that, toots."_

_Emma pouted. "Believe me, I will never let Killian Jones back into my life. "_

Emma opened her eyes. For the third night in a row, she had had dreams about conversations she had in prison with her old cellmate, real conversations she had, but had been replacing Neal's name with Killian's. Emma rolled out of bed, walking out of the room and going to the kitchen and getting a glass of water.

She sat down on the couch, doing the calming exercises her mother claims she did with baby Neal. "What a bunch of bull," Emma said to her stomach. "Breathing isn't going to make anything better."

"The books say otherwise." Killian had his arms crossed and leaning against the doorframe. "Mind if I join you?" Emma pointed at the couch next to her, and Killian slowly made his way over. He sat down next to her, bringing his stump over her head and letting her lean on him. "Bad dream?"

"I must have eaten something weird again." Emma replied.

"Or you're just scared for the baby," Killian suggested, looking out the window at a sleeping Storybrooke from within their dark room.

"I'm already a mother, I know how to take care of a kid," she replied.

"That doesn't mean you can't be nervous," Killian said. "It's okay to be scared."

Emma looked at him in the dark room, even if he wasn't watching her. "I'm not scared. I just shouldn't have eaten that burrito for lunch today."

"I'm frightened," Killian admitted, trying to get Emma to let out her insecurities.

"Really? What are you afraid of?" she asked.

"Everything of what it means to be a father. It's not something you can really prepare for," Killian said. "I can read all the books out there or attend all the classes offered and I still don't know if I'll ever be ready."

"You're going to make a wonderful dad, I know it," Emma nodded, rubbing her hand up and down his leg. "Let's go back to bed."

Killian studied Emma's face, unsatisfied with her lack of participation in the conversation, but stood up and held his arm out to his pregnant wife, pulling her up and walking together back to their room.

* * *

><p><em>Emma and her cellmate hadn't talked all day. Emma was fatigued from the baby, and her cellmate knew better than to bother her when pregnant Emma was tired.<em>

_But her cellmate must have been bored, because she began talking. "I don't think I could do it."_

_"Huh?"_

_"Raise the baby on my own. If I was in your position, I don't think I could do it." Her cellmate said, hopping off her bunk and sitting in a bolted chair across from Emma. "I'm in awe of your determination."_

_Emma had just been thinking of baby names before being interrupted. "Why couldn't you?" she asked, her hesitation obvious in her voice._

_She shrugged. "I'd want to give my baby its best chance." Emma was silent, unsure of what her cellmate meant, and it led her to continue. "It would have to live in the foster care system until I was out of jail. I'd never get hired at a real place with benefits since I'm an ex-convict, so medical bills would be through the roof. Plus, I'd never make enough money to give my kid everything he or she wants and needs. I'd never know if we'd have enough food or even if there would be a roof over our head. No one is going to want to date a single mother. I am clearly not a good example for it. How could I punish it if I was sent to jail myself? No. I'd give him or her up for adoption the first chance I could to make sure my kid would succeed in life."_

_"You don't think he'd succeed with you?"_

_"Oh, no. And without a father? Every child needs a father figure in their life, and even with every ounce of my being working towards being both, I'd never be enough." Her cellmate reached up and brushed her black hair out of her eye, making her look much younger than before._

_"I… I didn't think of those things…" Emma stuttered._

_"And every single time I'd look into my kid's face, every time it smiled or cried or laughed, I would see the bastard that left me. Left me in prison, left me pregnant, left me alone. I don't think I'd ever be able to truly love my kid knowing who the dad was."_

_Emma was staring at her hands and unconsciously rubbing her belly back and forth over where her child was growing. "You're right…" she mumbled. "I'm never going to look at my baby and not see Killian." Emma looked up at her cellmate with tears in her eyes. "What was I thinking? I can't be a single mother! I don't know what that means!"_

_Her cellmate placed a hand on Emma's shoulder to comfort her. "I never meant you—"_

_"No! You're right. I don't know what I was thinking, believing I could do it all. I don't want this kid anymore. Just the sight of my stomach makes me sick."_

_"What are you going to do?" Her cellmate asked, genuine curiosity and concern outlining her voice._

_Emma gulped before taking her hands off of her stomach for good. "Well, I can tell you one thing. Emma Swan and Killian Jones will not be the parents raising this child."_

Emma didn't open her eyes this time, feeling the tears seep out of them. She reached her hand over, finding Killian's hand, and threading her fingers in his. She squeezed tight, holding on to his hand, letting her face drip with tears.

Suddenly, she felt a pair of lips kissing her cheek, trying to dry the water that was pooling onto her face, She turned her head to it, keeping her eyes shut tight, and allowed him to kiss her forehead. She felt a handless arm brush her hair out of her face, outlining her jaw line before settling upon her stomach. "I hate seeing you cry," Killian said, softly. "It breaks my heart."

Emma finally opened her eyes, staring at her pirate. His eyes were wide, despite the time, and filled with their own sadness. "I've been dreaming about prison," Emma whispered into the bedroom.

"Tell me about these dreams," Killian answered.

"They're not really dreams, but more like memories. They're conversations I had with my cellmate when I was pregnant as a 17-year-old, but every time I would have used Neal's name, it's been replaced by yours." Emma's lip began to tremble as she admitted everything, her words becoming more and more difficult to understand as her sadness was taking over. "I don't want you to leave me, I don't think I could handle it a second time."

"Don't worry, love. I'm not going anywhere any time soon. You're stuck with me for as long as you'll have me," Killian began. "Please know that, Swan. Please know that you will never have to raise this baby, or any future babies, alone. Please know that our son will have a loving mother and a loving father, neither of which are going to abandon him."

"Why do I keep dreaming this?"

Killian kissed her forehead. "I don't know."

"How do I get them to stop?"

"I don't know," he repeated. "But I do know that our son is going to be loved more than any child in this world or the next. Now…" Killian shifted until his hand was stroking Emma's face. "Do you need a drink or anything?"

Emma shook her head. "No, I just want to go back to bed."

"Goodnight, love."

"Goodnight, Killian."

* * *

><p><em>Emma's legs were shaking as she walked back to her cell, her jumpsuit drowning her with the loss of the baby in her stomach. Her eyes were red from water pooling in it, her body aching, and she couldn't breath correctly.<em>

_When she reached her room, she couldn't even look at her cellmate. The matron pushed her in and locked the cell, leaving Emma to stand in the middle of the cemented area. Her cellmate jumped off the top of the bunk bed and grabbed Emma, pulling her into a deep hug and standing with her. Emma wrapped her arms around the woman, finally letting herself go for the first time since the birth._

_"It was a boy," Emma whispered into the girl's ear. "I had a boy." The woman, still holding onto her tight, started brushing her hair, but didn't respond. She waited to allow Emma to say everything she wanted to say. "I didn't even peek at the kid, and now I'll never know what he looks like."_

_"You are a strong woman, Emma Swan," she said. "You just made an impossible decision."_

_Emma leaned back, looking straight into her eyes. "What if he goes to someone mean? What if he ends up in a place where he's mistreated?"_

_"That won't happen," she soothed, still continuing to hold Emma._

_"But what if—"_

_"Emma, you have given that child the best gift of all: the opportunity to live." She gave a sad smile, stepping back from Emma. "He's going to go to a loving family that can offer him the world, and it's all thanks to you."_

_Emma sat down on her bed, resting her head on her palms. She sat like that for a while before something snapped within her. "I don't want to be here anymore." She looked up, grabbed her pillow, and threw it across the small room. "I hate this place," she stood up and kicked the bed. "I hate my life," Emma hit the cool steel of the top bunk. "I don't know what I did to deserve this." Emma whipped the blanket off the bed and bundled it into a ball, holding it up to her mouth and screamed, refusing to stop until her throat was throbbing._

_"Emma…"_

_"No, I can't do this anymore. I can't, I just can't."_

_Emma's cellmates gently took the blanket out of Emma's hands and threw it on the chair, placing one hand on each side of her shoulder. "You're going to get out of here in two months, and you're going to go live your life. You're going to forget about me, you're going to forget about this place, and you're going to become a happy person. And someday, you're going to realize that this," she gestured around the room, "isn't going to be what defines you. The only thing that will ever be able to define you is you." She took her hand and pointed at Emma's heart._

_"But…"_

_"Don't let him define you. Don't let him control you. He doesn't deserve it."_

_"I…"_

_"You are a bright, smart, determined woman. Killian is not worth a second thought."_

Emma shot out of bed, running to the bathroom. She emptied everything she had ate the previous week into the toilet before flushing it, sitting back on the cool tile and resting her back against the counter. Her body was shaking, her throat tightening, and her shirt was drenched with tears.

Killian turned on the light, and she looked up at him with guilty eyes before hurling into the toilet again. He came behind her and sat on the edge of the bath, pulling her hair back to keep it from hitting the water. Emma placed her arms across the toilet and rested her head against it. Her shoulders were lifting and falling in silent cries.

"It's okay, Swan. I'm here," he said, a kindness in his voice that Emma heart very rarely. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Emma shook her head and turned around, throwing her body at Killian's and holding him as he steadied himself from the sheer force of her hug. She didn't talk, and he didn't push it, only holding her in the bathroom as she wept in his arms.

The pair eventually stood up and walked back into their bedroom, holding hands on the way there. He sat Emma on the bed before kneeling right before her. "Look at me," Killian murmured before grabbing her hand in his single one and squeezing it. She brought her eyes up to his and blinked, getting her husband into focus. "Are you looking at me?" Emma nodded. "I need you to listen to every single word I'm about to say."

Emma's bottom lip trembled, but nodded again as a sign that she was ready to listen.

"You didn't abandon Henry," he said, and Emma took in a sharp breath. Of course he knew exactly what was bothering her. It shouldn't come as a surprise to her anymore. "Henry had a good childhood because of you, and he thanks you every single day of his life for the chance you gave him."

"I…"

"You don't deserve the life that has been dealt to you. But I will do every damn thing I can do to make sure that your future is better than your past. Your baby…" he placed a hand on her stomach, "_Our_ baby is going to be loved by you, by me, by Henry, by your parents, by _every single person he meets_. Emma, you don't have to be afraid anymore; you don't have to feel guilty anymore."

Emma was frowning, but leaned forward and kissed his lips. "I think I know what I need to do to make the nightmares stop."

"And what's that?"

"We need to go to Arizona and visit my old cellmate."

**_Review?_**


	2. Part 2

_Emma's cellmate passed over the five of clubs she was holding. "So, what do you miss most about the outside world?" she asked, giving Emma a small smile behind her fanned out cards._

_Emma's mind racked through all the things she missed about the real world, her mind only briefly going to the man who left her in here. "The good food, but at least in here I always know I'm going to have a hot meal. What about you?"_

"_Dating. I haven't had a date in over a year, and I'm not going to have one for at most fourteen more. It's nice to get pampered up and excited for the hot guy about to pick you up. But, I guess I sealed my fate the minute I decided to help embezzle the company." _

_Emma grumbled a little bit, trying to make it sound like she agreed, even though her thoughts went straight to her baby's father. "Why did you decide to do that, anyway?" Emma had always been curious, since her cellmate rarely talked about her life before coming here._

"_Same reason as you: for a guy." The pair was sitting on the floor, playing a game of Go Fish. Emma frowned before placing a pair of fives before her, ignoring her spot-on declaration. "Except my guy went to jail, as well."_

"_Well, I guess we all can't be so lucky," Emma asked for a queen, trying to get back on with the game and avoid this conversation, and her cellmate reluctantly passed over the queen of hearts._

"_What did he look like?" _

_Her inquiry threw Emma off guard, but tried to play it off as if she didn't know whom she was talking about. "What did who look like?" Emma replied and looked down at her cards. "Any 4's?"_

_Her cellmate gave over another card before putting them down in her lap. "Blonde hair?" she continued, without even acknowledging Emma's attempt at changing the subject._

"_You will not let this go, will you?" Emma huffed, placing her own hand down._

"_It's much more interesting to talk about your baby than it is to play Go Fish…" she smiled, picking her cards back up. "Got any 8's?"_

"_Go fish," Emma said as her cellmate grabbed one from the pile of unturned cards. "And Go Fish is plenty fun!"_

"_You're only saying that because you're winning," she pointed out. "Tell me three characteristics and I'll leave it alone."_

"_For now," Emma looked up at her cellmate over her cards, and she just shrugged. "Fine. Three things, not any more."_

"_Three things," her cellmate agreed._

"_He has brown hair, blue eyes, and he's a little taller than me. Got any Jack's?"_

_Her cellmate shook her head as she pointed down at the pile of cards. "Come on! That was the worst description I have ever heard! If we're to figure out what your unborn child is going to look like, you have to at least go into a little more detail!"_

_Emma was staring at her cards, but not actually seeing anything as the memories flooded her brain. "His hair was a very dark brown. It was straight and he always used to slick it back just so that there was never a piece out of place, but still made it look like he didn't actually do anything to it. His eyes were such a deep shade of blue that I'd get lost looking in them. If there is one thing I hope the baby gets from him, it's his eyes." Emma pictured those eyes on a baby and smiled faintly, quickly recovering as she continued on. "It reminded me of the ocean, and they almost changed with his moods, just like water would. He was barely taller than me, maybe an inch at most, and he always asked me to wear flats because when I wore heels, we were the same height, if I wasn't taller." Emma was fully smiling now as she thought back to the year she spent with him. "This one time, we were going to dine and dash at this really fancy restaurant and I put on these black heels. It was the only time he ever let me wear them because he said if he was going to be able to go to a high-class restaurant with a woman as pretty as me, he should at least let me play the part."_

"_How romantic…" Her cellmate scoffed, clearly thinking it was the exact opposite._

_Emma shook her head, realizing where she was. "Well, it was at the time."_

"_He seems like a real catch," she said. "Wouldn't even let you choose out your own shoes."_

_Emma threw down her cards and crossed her arms over her large bump. "He did things I asked, too!"_

"_Oh yea? Like what?"_

_Emma opened her mouth, trying to find something to say. When she realized there was nothing to counter, she licked her lips. "Will you stop judging me? Clearly I know I made the wrong choice with Killian."_

"_I'm not judging! I'm just trying to figure out what you saw in this guy, because I can't for the life of me figure out how you two ended up together. You seem so smart and have so much life experience thrown at you that I just want to understand why you let this guy into your life!"_

"_What do you want me to say? That I regret ever being with him? That I hate his guts? That if I ever see him again, I will hit the living daylight out of him? Because I've said that to you a lot in these past couple of months!"_

_Emma's cellmate frowned as her bottom lip pouted out. "I just want you to mean it. I'm just trying to help you and make you realize the scum he is before you get out of here and make the same mistake twice."_

"_I'm never going to get back together with him."_

_Her cellmate's face turned soft. "Well, maybe not with _him_, but it scares me that you might fall for another man like him. Believe it or not, Emma, I care about you, and I don't want you to have the same fate as me."_

_Emma's eyes watered at the thought of her cellmate caring so much about her, but also at the thought that she might fall in love with another man like that. Instead of trying to come back with a response, she just continued on with their game. "Got any Queen's?"_

"_Go fish," her cellmate said, eying Emma from across the pile of cards. "Were they at least cute flats?"_

"_I had like seven pairs that Killian stole for me. My favorite was bright blue with a little bow on top of each." Emma smiled before looking down at the brown loafers she had to wear now, her face quickly frowning. "I wore those nearly every day, even if it didn't match my outfit very much."_

"_Why did you like them best?"_

_Emma looked back up at her cellmate. "They matched Killian's eyes."_

Emma jerked awake. She looked at her surroundings and quickly remembered she was on an airplane. She turned her head to the left and found Killian watching her with a frown on his face. He moved his hand over and laced it within hers. "You look tired," he said before pecking her cheek.

"Yeah, well my dreams have been keeping me up lately," she mumbled. "Nightmare after nightmare…"

His thumb began tracing circles on his hand. "What was this one about?"

Emma took a deep breath as she stared into the blue eyes she was just describing in her dream. "Just the time when she basically begged me not to make the same mistake once I was out of prison."

"She sounds smart. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Emma slumped in her seat, but shook her head from side to side. "As long as you're the first thing I see when I wake up, I know everything will be okay."

Killian brought her hand up to his lips, pecking them softly before looking back at her. "So, you never told me what your cellmate's name is. If I'm to meet her, I would like to know what to call her."

"Her name's Susannah," Emma replied. "She's… feisty. Always speaks her mind."

"I know someone exactly like that," he said, nudging her with his elbows.

"I had to learn it from somewhere," Emma joked. "She was like a mother to me. The closest one I ever had until I met Mary Margaret, at least. She helped me get through a lot."

"Well, hopefully she's up for the task once more. What did she go to jail for?"

"She helped embezzle hundreds of thousands of dollars from some company. It went on for about three years before they finally found out who was doing it, so she got a pretty hefty sentence."

"Why has it taken you thirteen years to visit her again?"

"I left Arizona. I didn't like the heat, and I never wanted to feel like that again." Emma lied, leaning forward and taking a swig of her water bottle so Killian couldn't see her face. "So much for that promise."

Killian cocked his head at her words. "What's the real reason, love?"

It was one of those times that she wished he didn't see right through her. She rubbed her baby bump softly before deciding to be honest with him. "I was afraid that she wouldn't be proud of the person I became after I got out. I told you my history those 10 years before Henry found me, and for someone who had so much faith that I would go far in life… I just didn't want to let down the first person to believe in me."

Killian kissed her forehead before leaning her head on his shoulder. "I don't think she could be any prouder of who you've become."

* * *

><p>The dry heat was so familiar, it felt as if she never left. As she stepped outside of the airport, she took a deep breath and scanned the Arizona sky. She turned her head back, holding her hand over her forehead to block the sun. Killian was looking at the new surroundings while walking towards her. He finally caught up, somehow successfully pulling two suitcases behind him, and moved his eyes over the great desert.<p>

"So, this is Arizona," Killian mused, squinting his eyes in an attempt to see anything, so different from Storybrooke, so different from the Enchanted Forest. "It's bright."

Emma chuckled and reached into her purse, taking out two pairs of sunglasses and placing one on her face before opening the other and handing it to him. "You'll adjust to it soon."

"Are you ready?" Killian asked, still in wonder as he looked around the miles and miles of sand surrounding them.

Emma took a deep breath before shaking her head. "I'm so afraid of what I'm going to feel when I walk back into that prison. It's making me sick to my stomach."

"Or it's just the morning sickness," Killian smiled his goofy grin. "Relax, love. You're not going back as a prisoner. You're just going to visit."

"It's not going to make going back there any easier. Even just stepping in Arizona brings back bad memories."

"Like the ones you're dreaming about?

Emma nodded as she grabbed one of the suitcases from him.

"Are you sure she's even there anymore? It has been nearly 12 years since you were cellmates." Killian pointed out.

"She was going in for 15 years, and I met her after only one. I'm taking a leap of faith that she hasn't left yet."

"Well then, lead on," Killian hooked his prosthetic hand around a handle and placed his hand on the other, following Emma until she hailed them a cab.

* * *

><p>"This is it, my home for almost a year… The birthplace of Henry." Emma choked out as she looked at the tan building, stacked high with bricks and outlined with a live wire. She turned to look at Killian. "You can go back to the hotel if you want," she mumbled, secretly hoping that he wouldn't leave her.<p>

"I'm staying right beside you, Emma," he replied as he grabbed her hand. "Let's go."

The pair walked into the prison after going through multiple searches to make sure they weren't attempting to bring anything in. Emma went up to the front desk, a glass separating them from the guard sitting there, typing on a computer. Emma knocked on the window and a woman turned around, her eyes expanding significantly at the sight of her. "Emma Swan?" she said, amazed. Emma gripped Killian's hand tighter at the first of many familiar faces she was going to see. Her heart started racing and her stomach started turning as the woman leaned into the window. "You're all grown up!" the woman continued. "Although, I see your condition hasn't changed much since last time you were here," she joked, only making Killian grip Emma's hand in anger.

"Hello, Mrs. Holmes…" Emma stuttered out. "I… I…"

"We're here for a visit," Killian interrupted, forcing Mrs. Holmes to turn her attention away from Emma.

As if it suddenly reminding her of what she was supposed to be doing, Mrs. Holmes smiled and nodded. "Yes, of course. Who are you here to see?"

"Emma's old cellmate," Killian gave Mrs. Holmes his biggest smile that he knows gets people to do what he wants.

"Alright, and whom is that?" Mrs. Holmes asked, turning her sight back to Emma and winking. "It's been a while since we've seen you, and I don't remember whom it was."

"Susannah Darwin?" Emma's voice was shaky, suddenly aware that it's been 12 years since she walked out of this place and her old cellmate was up for probation at 10. "Is she even still here?"

"Yes, and you're just in time. She has a probation hearing next month." Mrs. Holmes went to the computer and started typing fast before printing a piece of paper and sliding it under the hole in the partition. "I'll need you to fill this out, and once it's completed, come back and I can give you your name badges," Mrs. Holmes said. "Although, I don't think you'll need one, Emma."

Emma frowned before taking the papers and pen, leaving Killian to give an evil glare at her. They walked to a small table where Emma filled out everything for them, Killian giving Mrs. Holmes a death glare. "Who does she think she is, telling you that you don't need a badge?"

"She didn't really mean anything by it," Emma mumbled as she continued to fill out the forms. Her hand was shaky and there were tears in her eyes as she tried to answer the simple questions. Killian reached his hand up and started stroking her back when he noticed she started trembling. Emma took in a sharp breath as a water stain fell onto the paper. "Shit!" she hissed. She looked up at Killian. "I don't think I can do this." Her voice was strained and her body was defeated.

Killian leaned down and kissed her cheek. "We don't have to do anything you're not ready for. We can just go back to the hotel for the night and catch a plane back to Maine tomorrow."

Emma sighed before turning back to the paper. The words were jumping out at her, as if taunting her. She held out the pen. "Can you finish this? My hands are shaking too much and I need a drink."

He took it with his right hand and slid the paper in front of him, looking down and starting to write answers to the questions Emma hadn't been able to. She squeezed his shoulder before walking to the drinking fountain.

As the cool water touched her lips, she remembered taking a sip out of this exact fountain right before she was released. She jerked her head back and turned it to look at Killian. He was writing at the bottom of the paper and flipped it over. When she walked back, she saw his elegant handwriting finishing up the last questions.

"Are you ready?" he asked as he put a period at the end of the final question.

"No, but I don't think I ever will be. I need to see Susannah before I back out of this and the memories ruin our pregnancy."

Killian smiled and grabbed the piece of paper, putting his prosthetic hand at the small of her back. "Well, then let's go."

Killian and Emma walked back up to the window and passed the papers underneath. The woman looked at it and typed a few things into her computer before they heard something printing from behind the glass. Mrs. Holmes slipped the papers into two badges and placed them underneath. "So, it's Emma Jones now?" she smiled, nodding her head towards Killian. "Congratulations. Is he the same man as before?"

Emma was sure her frown would be etched into her face by the end of the day, snatching the badges from her and pinning one on Killian's chest before doing her own. "No, he's dead," Emma snapped.

Mrs. Holmes opened her mouth before closing it, her smile fading. "I'll get a guard to get Susannah for you. Just go on through those doors, take a left, and have a seat at the table in the third stall."

Emma looked over at the empty room and searched for Killian's hand. When his fingers finally laced through her own, she walked forward and pushed through the revolving door, counting the rooms until she made it to the third open space with a table. Her legs were jelly as she wobbled over to the table and sat down, Killian sitting right beside her. "Do you really want me here? I could just step outside…"

"No. I need you here."

He kissed her temple before leaning back in the chair. "Then I shall stay right here."

Emma kept looking up at the clock, noticing only seconds passed in between glances. Finally, she started to hear chains dragging across the floor, and she snapped her head to Killian, fear in her eyes. He only smiled, giving her thigh a squeeze as the door on the other side of the stall opened up.

Emma looked down at his hand. She heard footsteps come to the table, the chair drag across the floor, and when she heard chains settle on the floor, across from her, she slowly brought her eyes up to the woman sitting across from her. The woman gave Emma the same grin, tormenting and motherly at the same time, which she remembered and saw in all of her recent dreams.

"Why hello, Emma. It's been a long time since I've had a visitor."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Review?<strong>_


	3. Part 3

"Why hello, Emma. It's been a long time since I've had a visitor." Susannah looked at Emma up and down, resting on her stomach a little too long for Emma not to notice. "I hope you're doing well…" she eyed Killian, pursing her lips before turning back to her old cellmate.

Emma plastered on a smile. "I heard you're up for probation next month. Congratulations," Emma said, with too much enthusiasm. "I'm really rooting for you."

Susannah lifted one of her hands and waved it off. Emma heard the chains linking her hands to her feet jingle as she brushed off her comment, and the look on Susannah's face said she noticed it, too. "I'm not getting out of here a day sooner than my set release date."

"Well, I still wish you the best of luck with the trial…" Emma trailed off and noticed Susannah staring at Killian again. Killian's head was cocked to the side, his eyes darting between concern for Emma and mistrust for Susannah.

"Who's that?" Susannah nodded her head towards Killian, immediately acknowledging him after continually stealing looks.

"My husband."

Susannah leaned back, the chains shifting across the floor loudly. "Husband?"

"Killian Jones," Killian said, offering his only hand forward. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Darwin."

Susannah's eyes looked him up and down before pausing on his hand, refusing to shake it. Killian lowered his arm, awkwardly. "How'd you two meet?" she asked, still looking at Killian but clearly directing the question to Emma.

Emma glanced at Killian, explaining the story they agreed upon for people outside of Storybrooke. "Killian's from Ireland. He was in their navy and was stationed here a few years ago."

Killian chuckled. "The lass was a hard one to break, but I finally got through to her."

"We got married about a year ago, and this little one is due in the second week of December." Emma rubbed her belly, smiling down at it before looking at Killian, then at Susannah.

Susannah's eyebrows had shot up. "You're lying."

The muscles in her neck tightened, images of the post-apocalyptic Fairy Tale Land running through her head. "No I'm not!" Emma had forgotten how easily Susannah could read her – almost as well as Killian – and it took all her energy not to jump up and leave the stall right then and there.

Susannah was staring at Killian, trying to read him and turning back to Emma. "I've been in here for 13 years so far, Emma, and I can tell when someone's not telling the truth." Her eyes focused on Emma. "I can tell when _you're_ not telling _me_ the truth."

Killian clenched his jaw. "I assure you, lass. I was a lieutenant in the King's Royal Navy." The thumb that was making circles on Emma's leg suddenly stopped. "I served under my brother for three years before he passed away."

Susannah looked like she was trying to decide if what he was saying was true. "Well, perhaps he _was_ in the navy, but your love story? It's a sham. Are you even married? Or did you just get knocked up again?"

Emma scowled as her heart pumped faster as burning blood rushed through her veins. "He was planned," she said through gritted teeth. "Our son is _not_ an accident."

Susannah's head bobbed slightly in agreement. "Another boy?" Her voice was softer, much like the one that had gotten her through her tough times in prison.

"You remembered I had a boy?"

"Of course I remember. You were the only pregnant 17-year-old in prison I've ever met and were devastated when you had to give him up. I was your cellmate, and I was the one who had to pick up the pieces. God, those last two months together were a bitch…"

"His name is Henry." Emma offered the information before she realized what she was saying, slapping her hand across her forehead and resting it on the now-sweaty skin.

Susannah didn't look the least bit surprised at what she said. "I figured you'd try to find him."

"Actually, _he_ found _me_. I tried to live my life and forget about him, but two years ago, he showed up at my house in Boston. It's a long story from there, but he turned out to be a great kid, and I'm so thankful he's in my life."

"You see him regularly?"

"His adoptive mother and I have come to a custody agreement. He spends half the time with her and half the time with us."

"I can only assume you see his father regularly, too?"

Emma's face fell. "Excuse me?" Her voice was suddenly unsure, and her heart began to beat faster. "What does that even mean?"

"Well, I guess I just assumed you were going to get out of here and crawl back to that guy."

"Why would you think I'd go back to Neal?"

Her eyes darted to Killian's before turning back to Emma. "Or a guy _like_ Neal, I suppose."

"Do you really think so little of me that I would go back to Neal after all the things I told you? All the things he _did to me_?" Emma nearly screamed. Killian reached his hand out to take hers within it, and it was only then that she realized she was standing. In her frustration, she ripped her arm away from Killian, crossing them on top of her belly.

Susannah leaned forward, her voice unnaturally calm compared to Emma's. "Hun, you were so head over heels for that guy… So young, so naive. I just thought that you would find him and beg to take you back. Clearly, you tried to overcompensate by going for what you thought would be the exact opposite of Neal… Probably to make up for the stupidity of your first time."

It was Killian's turn to stand up. "Don't talk to her like that!" He stood with such force, the chair fell from behind him, causing both Emma and Susannah to jump in surprise. The guard waiting outside of the room looked in, deciding that everything was fine and going back to his original position.

"Stop, Killian…" Emma murmured into his ear, trying to calm her husband down.

"No, Swan. You come here to ask for assistance, and she merely taunts you. I refuse to let her treat you as such!"

"Who is this guy?" Susannah interrupted, her face a mixture of amusement and fire. "Who talks like that, anyway? God, Emma. You're just as naive as you were when you were 17."

"And did you forget about my superpower?"

"When it came to guys, your superpower never worked. It was like your Kryptonite."

Killian glanced at Emma, silently asking what she was referring to. Emma huffed, thinking her days of explaining things to him were behind her. "Kryptonite took away Superman's powers… You know, like Henry's comic books? People reference it when they can't think clearly and give in to a temptation."

"Your husband doesn't know what Kryptonite is? Is he stupid or something? Is _that_ how you got the military guy you wanted?"

"How could you have such fond memories of her?" Killian was staring at Emma with his wide blue eyes, his stumped arm shot towards Susannah. He hadn't been able to wear his prosthetic hand in because the security guard thought he might be trying to smuggle something in, and Susannah's eyes widened fractionally as she stared at the scarred skin. She returned to her original composure, smirking across the room.

"This was clearly a mistake," Emma sighed, taking Killian's hand. "I really do wish you luck with the trial, Susannah."

"Wait, wait…" Susannah put her hands up, the pair stopping. "Enough with the small talk. Why, after 12 long years, are you suddenly here to visit me?" Susannah's sudden change of heart clearly shocked Killian, but it did nothing to Emma. She remembered how Susannah never sugar coated things, and if Susannah hadn't just verbally attacked them, it would have made her give a small smile. "What do you need, Emma?"

Emma brought her hands up and slid them down Killian's arms. "I think you should wait outside." Emma trailed off, staring into Killian's eyes.

"But, love…"

"I need to do this alone. Please, Killian. If I'm not out in 10 minutes, you can come back in."

Killian took a deep breath, kissing her forehead. "As you wish." With great force, Killian turned towards the door, lingering in the frame as he glared at Susannah. Finally, he stepped out, and Emma sat down.

"I need your help. I've been having these dreams about my time in prison and I thought maybe talking through it with you would help…"

"I'm not a shrink, Emma. Go to someone and get hypnotized or something."

"Please help me, Susannah." She felt small, like how she felt whenever Susannah challenged her. "You were so great to me when I was 17, and I just think—"

Susannah groaned, cutting Emma off. "Fine. What happens in these dreams?"

"Well… They're more like memories, I guess. When I fall asleep, I start remembering conversations you and I had about Neal and the baby, but whenever Neal's name or characteristics would have been said, Killian's are."

"Why don't you seek out Neal? Clearly he still has a hold over you, even if you think you've moved on."

"I can't…"

"Why not? You seem like such a confident person now, happy and in love with that guy out there. You shouldn't be afraid of falling in love with Neal again."

"No, I mean… He's dead. He died about a year and a half ago." Emma's voice cracked at the end of the sentence, making her cheeks grow red.

"I thought you said you didn't go looking for Neal."

"I didn't… I mean, I did, but not because I wanted to…" Emma was stumbling over her words. Why the need to defend herself to Susannah, she'll never know. She's always had this power over her, and even though she didn't need to explain how or why Neal had made his way back into her life, she felt she had to. "I was kind of tricked into it, or not… It's—"

"A long story. Yeah, I'm noticing that a lot today." Susannah was cold. "I'm glad. Neal got what he deserved."

"Don't talk like that about him!"

"Why not?"

"You can't talk bad about the dead, and you don't know the whole story."

"Well, unless you're going to tell me some new piece of information, Emma, I can't do anything but think about the man who screwed a 17-year-old, disappeared, and sent her to jail for his crime. I don't care if he's dead or alive, I hate his guts. You _still_ can't see him for the vermin he is."

"He did it to save me…" Emma trailed off, trying to figure out how to explain Storybrooke to a bitter prisoner who doesn't believe in fairytales.

"So, you're telling me, that in the 12 years since I've seen you, you have not only found _and become a parent to _your child, but you've also forgiven his father? Not to mention married that guy out there, who I still wouldn't trust as far as I could throw him, and found yourself pregnant again. Is that everything?"

"Killian is not Neal. He is not going to abandon me. He is not going to betray me. _He loves me_." Emma's lips barely moved as she gritted the words out. "My husband has gone to the ends of the world for me, and I will not let you talk so poorly about him."

Susannah shrugged again, the chains shifting across the floor with the rise and fall of her shoulders. "Why does my opinion matter so much to you, anyway? You shouldn't care what a 37-year-old woman who has been in prison for the past 13 years thinks. I'm no role model, Emma. I shouldn't be your idol."

Emma had balled her hands and placed them on the table, staring at them and refusing to even look at Susannah. "You got me through the hardest time of my life. You helped me turn my life around. I looked up to you like a mother, and I had hoped you would be proud of the person I've become."

The two women sat in silence before Susannah reached her hand over, the chains dragging across the table, and hooking her fingers into Emma's. "Look at me." Her voice was kind, the one reserved only for 17-year-old Emma when she was at her lowest points. "Please, look at me." Emma tilted her head up, her eyes doing most of the moving as she zoned in on the woman before her.

"I don't deserve to be someone you look up to. I shouldn't be. Yes, I helped you through a tough time in your life, but I'm not a hero, and I _can't_ be your hero. Do you remember what I kept saying to you 12 years ago?"

Emma's mouth couldn't move, her throat tightening into an unbearable pain. She shook her head from side to side, indicating she didn't know what Susannah wanted her to remember.

"I said to leave this god forsaken place and never return. Do you know why?" Emma's silence encouraged her to continue on. "I wanted you to go far in life. I wanted you to forget the worst year in your life and let go of the past. It seems like, for the most part, you've succeeded. And now? Now, you need to let go of Neal. It's the only way you'll be able to move on with Killian."

"I've already moved on with Kill—"

"The mere fact that you're here tells me that there is something about Neal that you're not letting go of. Once you do, I'm sure these nightmares will go away."

Emma's lips twitched, almost as if she wanted to smile. "I hope you get out of here soon."

"Me too, Emma. Me, too."

Killian peeked his head in, his face bared hatred as he stared between Susannah and Emma. Emma stood, reaching her hand out for Killian to take. He slowly walked over, never letting his eyes leave Susannah, until he laced his fingers within hers. "Thank you, Susannah," Emma said.

Susannah dipped her head in acknowledgment. She stood up and walked over to the couple. Susannah took her hand and brought it up to Emma's face, placing a strand of hair behind her ear, like she used to do all those years ago. She smiled. "Congratulations on finding everything you wanted in life… A family."

Emma nodded, and when a tear fell down her face, Susannah's thumb wiped it away. "You're right." Emma started. "We didn't meet when Killian was stationed here."

"I know." Susannah patted Emma's shoulder, the chains an eerie reminder that Emma had once sported those same binds. "It's nice to know you've had a good life since you left, but please don't visit me again, Emma. I don't want to ever see you."

"Why not?"

"Same reason I told you 12 years ago. I want you to go far in life, and you can't if you're coming here and reliving your worst self." Susannah took a step back. "Goodbye, Emma. Promise me forever, this time."

The guard came and rested a hand on Susannah's shoulder, turning her towards the exit and walking out of the stall with her. Slowly, Emma heard the clinks getting more distant, and tears came to her eyes.

She turned to Killian, who immediately opened his arms and ushered her into a hug. "Are you going to visit her again?" He kissed her hair and leaned her head into the crook of his neck, allowing her to let the water pooling behind them fall.

"No." She got out.

"Why not?"

"She's right. If I want to move forward, I can't live in the past."

* * *

><p><em>Susannah's chains were clinking on their way back to Emma's cell. She heard the soft jingle growing closer and closer until the bars to their cell opened. The matron unlocked Susannah's binds and slowly took them away, giving Emma's stomach a small, sad glance before closing and locking them in their small room.<em>

_Susannah's face had dropped, shaking her head as she climbed up on the top bunk. Emma stood where she was until Susannah was settled before walking over and placing her arms on Susannah's bed and resting her head on top of them. "Who visited?" she asked, softly._

_"It doesn't matter…" Susannah's voice didn't have the same tenacity it usually had. It was quiet and defeated, and Emma reached up and brushed the tear away from Susannah's eye._

_"If it didn't matter, you wouldn't be so upset," Emma pointed out, and Susannah turned her face to look at her young cellmate._

_"I'm not upset, okay?" her cellmate growled. "Just drop it."_

_"You never let me drop it." Emma stood firm where she was, not moving away from her spot beside the bed. Susannah stared back into her eyes, glaring with a mixture of hatred and loss. She was breaking right in front of her._

_"It was my aunt. My dad died three weeks ago," Susannah replied. "I wondered why he hadn't visited in a month, but I just assumed he was busy. I didn't think he was dead." Susannah pushed the heels of her hands against her eyes to hide the tears from slipping out. "And I didn't think they would take three weeks to tell me." Susannah's palms were wet with her tears when she finally took them away. "He didn't even tell me he was sick. I didn't even go to my father's funeral."_

_"I'm so sorry," Emma said, brushing the hair out of her eyes. "I can't even imagine what you're going through."_

_"Now I have nobody." Emma saw Susannah's throat swallow as she threw the back of her arm across her eyes, hiding it from the world. "My mom refuses to visit me, my sister and her family are god-knows-where, and my boyfriend is shacked up in some prison halfway across the state, serving a time even longer than me. I'm all alone in this world." _

_"You have me," Emma was still trying to stand next to her cellmate when Susannah swatted her hand away and sat up. "We can have nobody together…"_

_"You're going to be out of here in four months. I have you no more than I have my own mother," she hissed, sitting like a pretzel on top of her bed. "We're not friends, Emma. We're cellmates. Once you're out of here, and I have fourteen more years in here, you're not going to give me a second glance."_

_Emma took a deep breath before climbing onto her bed and huddling into a ball on the bed. "I'm sorry your dad died…" Emma mumbled into the pillow. "But you'll get used to the feeling of being alone."_

_"God, Emma, this isn't about you being and orphan or Killian abandoning you." Susannah yelled from above her. "My dad died and I all I want is to sit here and mourn the one person in my life who still cared about me. Just, shut up for once, okay?"_

_ Emma opened her mouth to retaliate, but closed it instead. Her eyes filled with tears as Susannah's words pounded in her ears. 'Killian abandoned you' and 'You were an orphan' and "We're not friends" chanted like a mantra in her head, over and over again._

_After what seemed like hours, Susannah's head popped over the top bunk. "Thank you for your condolences, Emma."_

_"Is there anything I can do to help?" Emma muttered into the pillow, her eyes looking at Susannah's sad face. "Anything you need?"_

_Susannah's face disappeared before Emma saw her feet fall onto the cement floor. Emma rolled over onto her back and scooted to the side of the bed, allowing Susannah to sit upon the edge. "There's one thing I need from you."_

_Emma reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it in support. "Anything."_

_"Don't visit me when you get out of here."_

_"What? Why?" Emma's heart clenched, the feeling of abandonment suddenly overcoming her whole body._

_A tear streamed down her cellmate's face. "Leave all this behind. Leave behind the fact that you were in prison. Leave behind the fact that I was your cellmate. Leave behind the fact that you were a pregnant teenager. Leave it all behind, Emma. Become a successful person, or you'll only end up like me." Susannah swallowed. "Go find that Tallahassee you always said Killian talked about… Just without him, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

Emma's eyes opened, staring at the dark ceiling of the hotel room she and Killian were staying in.

"Shit," Emma whispered to the air above her.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I know Susannah seemed a little bit harsh in the chapter, but I figured that since she had been in prison for 13 years, she probably wouldn't be the same woman she was when she only had a year under her belt. If you notice, the end of their interactions, they kind of went back to the mother/daughter relationship that they had when Emma was 17, and, even though we won't see Susannah again in anything other than dreams, you do see her soften, as if she is remembering what she used to be like.

_**Review?**_


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